The paradox descends...

Returning after almost a month to write something worthwhile...

I have discovered, after knowing for a long, long time, that I have all the time in the world to do all the things I want to do (or to postpone them!) and on the other hand time is slipping like sand from my fist and I am not sure if I should hold it even more tightly or just let it all go in one swift movement of opening my fist.

I understand this complimentary opposite things now. Both are true. There is no hurry, but is not much time left either. In fact, no time is left. Only this very moment is available - and there is no hurry to spend it or use it. Can you imagine? I don't even know whom I am addressing!

But I am sure this is it! The key to this quest I am on...to flow and know and yet keep flowing....

Lots of courage and deep faith is required. I am up to the task....Because I am waiting - I have been waiting for a long, long time - I am waiting for a happening...I do wonder when it will manifest, but somehow I am not in hurry, I am relaxed and at the same time I understand that time is running out.

I will not edit this post...Something written in the moment with least interference from my side...

May this flow continue.....

Perspective....

Isn't this pic awesome?

Taken from here: http://good-times.webshots.com/photo/2066900530045724542nQSGpA

Can love be stifling?

Is it possible feel as if you are suffocating inside someone's love? So much so that you start feeling like there is a net around you...I suddenly do. Or maybe I have started feeling like this only now. Why can't I live my life my way? Why do I have to have a stamp of approval?

Why am I scared of leaving it all behind? Am I scared of leaving the ground behind?

If best things in life are free, why do we settle for less?

I have believed since long that the best things, the things that can give me joy, stuff that makes me really happy, is available freely...if not exactly for free. All I have to do is really believe that I deserve it. Today, I have come out of this "believing". I now know! For sure! Everything is available, provided I can look at it without being judgmental. And I mean everything! If the judgment is there, even a beautiful rose will seem unaffordable...its price will be unbearable to pay!!

I drop my judgment today.

The world we weave...

Imagine a world where there is no need to improvise, become efficient, be conscious, continuously be on your guard…

Why does it sound like a dream and nothing else? Is it even real? In fact, is it even nice to think of a world like that? So then what is nice? Who will decide? How about each one for himself/herself?

Lets shut off out logical sides and just give into imagination and see what is possible and what is not.

* * * *
Some date, a typical day in office

No body is asking you how much you have done today…there is no question of productivity. Everyone has unlimited resources, so there is no need for the bosses to exploit each employee to the fullest.

Understand the scenario….

Every person on the Earth has now the capacity to ask for any service/product – there is no charge! Therefore, as the whole concept of profit has vanished, why bother with who has worked how much? There is no cost price, there is no selling price, so obviously, no profit! Everyone is getting their due in the world – according to necessity, according to desire…Now of course there might be an argument that desire is unlimited, well, so the resources here.

I can imagine the deepest sensibilities of people reading this being offended. No profit? No cost management? What are we to do – charity? No, you are nothing to do. You are to flow…just let go. But that’s difficult, right? That’s damn difficult!!

But why is it so difficult? Isn’t it obvious? There is no competition!!! You need not compete with anyone to do better or earn better. So now, how to do prove to the world and yourself that you are better than the next guy?

The idea behind this thinking is if I am not more, then I am less. This very thought guides and governs most of the efforts we make to improve and better ourselves. There is no harm in working on your Self to become more evolved beings, but usually we tend to do more scheming and plotting to ensure we come up on tops as compared to others. So basically, we are just living out lives through others!

What a tangled world we weave for ourselves!!

Half A Wish

Old story written for a contest, according to their specifications...

************************************************************************

"Mary had a little lamb….", "At least she had someone!" said Tippi, thinking aloud, while passing a group of kindergarten students learning the classic nursery rhyme in typical sing-song voice.

Many people who will look at Tippi will not exactly call her alone. She had friends to call upon, talk to and shout at, which is more than some can even hope for. She was bright, beautiful and healthy, in prime of her life. Now don't get the impression of a poor little rich girl, mind you! She was definitely not one. She had a nice cushy job as an executive assistant in an upcoming law firm. Only thing that she did not have was warmth! You see, she was not the foolish kinds to believe in love, at first sight or any other kind, and she also did not have any kind of faith in love being the essence of any relationship. She believed in mutually building trust on the foundations of commitment and if there is such a thing as luck, falling in love with the same person.

While crossing the kids singing the rhyme, she felt an overwhelming yearning, arising from deep inside her belly, to have someone to share her thoughts, life and apartment with. "What I will not give to have someone, ANYONE be with me whenever I want him. We can take care of each other, hold each other's hand and when necessary, curse the world together." It is said to beware of the spoken word and be sure about what you wish for, because it may come true. If only Tippi realized how her wish was going to come true!

Tippi spent the day in her office doing her usual work, making the same gestures, smiling at regular intervals and getting upset on the usual things. It was a Saturday that was working on and the thoughts of loneliness in the morning had not made her any happier. Eventually, she finished her work and by three in the afternoon was approaching the familiar and well-worn steps of her little apartment. She opened the room and immediately sensed a certain kind of uneasiness in the air. She flicked on the light switch and ran a cursory glance around the living room. Nothing was out of place. She checked the phone. It was working. She apprehensively stepped towards the bedroom door and pushed it open like she had seen cops do on TV with a baseball bat in her hand instead of a gun. It was empty. The only place left to check was the bathroom. It took her shaken nerves ten full minutes to approach the door handle and by the time she had reached the shower curtain, she was shaking with the combination of fear, nervousness and excitement.

Slash!

Behind the shower curtain was a man crouching with his head bent, holding something close to his body, and blood was oozing from between his hands. Tippi screamed. So did the guy. Then came another high pitched noise that could anything from a samurai war cry to a banshee. It turned to be a cat instead.

"Please, please, o please save my Leo! He is hurt and so am I. I was running from the cops and tumbled down and hurt myself." The man pleaded to Tippi. He seemed to be around thirty-five with a part tough, part gentleman looks and had a large, black and dignified even in injury, Persian tomcat with him. Tippi was already in love. The emotion that she had deemed futile all these years had sneaked up on her and taken her with surprise. Oh, but what a pleasant surprise it was!

By nightfall, Tippi had both the intruders bandaged, fed and settled in comfortable beds. She had given up her queen-size bed for the handsome stranger who seemed to have a very interesting profile. The cat was settled right beside and was already in very deep sleep. Tippi sighed and collected her book and glasses from the bedside table and labored towards the living room.

Sitting near the fireplace, Tippi thought over the events of the day and mused over how her wish had come true. There was no point denying in it. It was meant to happen and it will happen, the only question was when. The stranger was a Mexican businessman traveling from California where he had stayed all his life. Today, he was going back to his roots, back to Mexico to help his uncle after he had lost all of his family in a plane crash. He was planning to settle there. "Mexico! How exotic!" thought Tippi, letting out a deep sigh of contentment mixed with pleasure.

Sunday morning was bitter-sweet. Parting is always painful whether from a loved one or from a car or an apartment where one has lived for seven years. But she had met Patrick only yesterday and he was leaving. Though it was a little saddening, the gift that she had received was worth everything! Sher Khan, the Persian cat, was purring on her shoulders and grooming himself. He had filled her heart with warmth and fulfilled her need to taking care of someone. Wishes do come true, and how!

Time trouble

We all always lament the fact that we don’t have enough time to do the things we want to do. We have to first finish doing the things that we HAVE to do and then and only then can we move on to the ones that we would love to do or will enjoy doing.

Does it not sound all topsy-turvy? I mean, just think about it – we are willing to do the unnecessary first, and then do the things that give us joy. After willingly adapting this lifestyle, we crib we are not happy or are not living the way we would like to. Wake up!!! What are you saying?????

I have come to gradually understand that our world is exactly what we want it to be. All of us need to look deep inside and see if they are not inviting the cribbing, the pain and the unhappiness. Misery, I feel, is at tomes comforting. At least we have something to cling on to!!!

If we are all given the choice as well as the resources to do what we want how many of will take the world tour that most of us say we will take? How many of us will go ahead and buy that beautiful house by the sea or mountain that we so admired? How many of us will stop working for money and start the business we always wanted to start?

My guess is we will still live the same lives, keep on doing the same things, will crib about the same things, and have the same diseases, only maybe in more expansive surroundings.

I have now started to realize my own resistance to change. Have taken the first step towards a more authentic living...The paradigm has shifted definitely, even though only a little as of now...Wish me luck.

What is love?

Sequel to "Life is..." published before

************************************************************

“Poison. So this is what you really want?”

Silence.

“I don’t seem to have a choice.” Akshay could hear the almost smile in her voice. “Sounds pretty clichéd, huh?”

I think this is what is known as a dark sense of humour, thought Akshay gloomily.

“So what happened? Did you poison someone?”

“Not really, Sherlock. I poisoned...myself!”

“But why?”

“I...I – I don’t know...I really don’t know...”

“Why don’t you begin at the beginning?”

“Okay.”

* * * * * *

“Neena, Neena....Where are you? Oh c’mon now...Leave the kitchen for a minute and come out...I have got something for you!!NEE--NA-H!! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?”

“Easy, easy, Big Boy, easy! I was in the bathroom, taking a bath. So what’s the big surprise?”

“I got the biggest promotion there is! We are going away, for at least ten years. Many people were trying for this job, but in then end...”

“... the best man won", completed Neena with an adoring smile.

Archit smiled back and looked into his loving wife’s eyes and said, “Well, I guess I turned out to be better than the best.”

End of Chapter One.

* * * * * *

New York. Bright lights. Parties. Lavish condo. Expensive restaurants.

So this is how it feels like to have all the money you would ever want. Not for a even one minute I regret not completing my medical degree. Contrary to modern beliefs, I am not very career oriented. My friends used to say I have lofty ideals and contradictory set of principles; some even called me a hypocrite, but what the heck! This is who I am, and I like being me!

I am walking on air...I have the most attentive husband, the most luxurious home, best of everything that money could buy...

But...but what about the things that money cannot buy? Like love? But I have love, don't I? 
What about intimacy then? I am not sure about that. He doesn’t share everything with me.
Attention? I can’t possibly complain there...unexpected flowers, impromptu gifts, dresses...What more could a girl ask for?

A smile crept on her face - girl, indeed!! I am 35, definitely not a girl anymore...I was one when I married him 10 years ago, but now...

Life in this neighbourhood has been mostly rewarding. Only off late, some stories of kidnapping, children not returning home school have been coming to my attention. Weird, I thought! No place is safe anymore. Then I remembered Archit telling me about one of his colleague’s daughter, who also did not return from school...

A sharp pang went through her spine – Archit! Ten years of marriage and no children. Is this what is missing? Is this why I don’t yet feel like a woman? Will his love change now that I my biological clock hardly has any time left on it?

Then it came to her as a flash...the dull pain intensified...sudden explosion...

IS THERE ANOTHER WOMAN?

Can this be true? Oh my God!! Is he simply making up for his unfaithfulness through attention and gifts?

NO!!!

* * * * * *

“And that, Akshay, was the beginning of a long spell of paranoia and rage and jealousy. Nothing lasts forever - definitely not Paradise. I had found my serpent in the Garden of Eden.”

“Hm,” said Akshay. “Interesting. But somehow, you don’t seem like the paranoid type. What really happened, Neena?

“I drove him crazy. We had these insane fights where we would shout at each other and throw things at each other. I did everything possible to make him admit his affairs with other women. I even went out on a so-called date with other man. But I left half way through, went for a long walk to nowhere and then returned home.”

Silence. For a minute Akshay thought Neena has left. Maybe her confession was the path towards her freedom, still he kept on waiting for some strange reason. He could almost hear the clock ticking in the next room.

After five minutes, which seemed more like fifty, Neena spoke again, “You know something, everything comes with a price tag attached to it. You have the free will to do as you please, as long as you keep the payment up. If you think you can getaway with something without paying for it, you are living in the worst illusion possible.

“I brought hell into someone’s life who was my husband. That night, I had come back with a decision that I will let go of all the anger, I will give ourselves another chance...But I forgot...my payment was catching up with me... ”

“I don’t understand...” Akshay was confused...Man, this is one philosophical ghost, he thought!

“Well, you see, my husband was waiting for me right there that night. Somebody had told him that his wife out with someone that night. He might be the best husband in the world, but he definitely had fixed ideas about how his wife should behave! ”

Akshay nodded in the dark, not sure what to say. He was old enough to understand conflict between husband and wife, but some of the emotions expressed by this sprit smothered in philosophy were still beyond his reach.

Neena continued, "I remember it like yesterday...He was just sitting there in dim light sipping his drink. ..”

* * * * * *

Chapter two begins.

“So finally you have come back to grace out humble home. After all, what does a little disgrace to the poor husband matter in the face of some fun, huh?”

Archit went all politically correct when angry. I felt like laughing, this was so absurd.

“I just went out to clear my head,” Neena said.

“Ahhhhhh! What a way to clear your head! Sex as glorified Aspirin!! You amaze me, Neena. I know I have always called you an amazing woman but this...What have I done to deserve this? Had your fictional affairs? Haven’t you done enough checking and cross-checking? Did you find any evidence to pronounce me guilty?”

Neena shifted a little.” How-how did you find out about the checking?”

Archit moved towards her, looked her in the eye and replied with gritted teeth, “Next time you choose to spy on your husband, do not employ his acquaintances for doing your dirty work.”

That double-crossing, lying, smooth talking piece of shit!! Mr Private Eye, aka, sympathetic listener. Wait till I get my hands on you, thought Neena.

Suddenly something dawned on her,” What do you mean next time when I spy on my husband...are you – are you...” She couldn’t bring herself to say it. “You really think I did what you think I did?”

Archit did not reply. He turned to re-fill his glass.

SLAM!!!

The door slammed behind him and Neena was gone.

Archit stood there rooted to his spot for sometime and then a kind of fear seized him. What if she goes out and starts saying things...He COULD say she is crazy, but still people will always laugh behind his back.

He went out in her search. He looked into restaurants, 24-hour super markets, cafes...she was nowhere to be found. Finally, in the wee hours, he went to a little place in the nearby park, where he used to go for thinking.

She was there...lying stiff with cold, barely alive. She had stayed outside whole night, without any warm clothes.

* * * * * *

”The hospital did its best to save me. They tried and tried. Archit was like a madman not able to understand why I was not waking up from my coma. Then I did come back. He was allowed to see me for five minutes.”

* * * * * *

“Hi Neena.”

Neena turned her face on the other side.

“I am not here to say anything. I am sorry I hurt you and didn’t trust you...”

“It doesn’t mater anymore, Archit. I will be gone in next few days and then you will be free to do whatever you want. ”

“God, Neena!! You still think I was having affairs with women -”

Neena interrupted, “No, I know you were not having affairs with any women. I just want you to be free of all this, that’s all. I want to be free too. ”

She turned towards him and smiled weakly, “Do I rate a goodbye hug?”

Archit didn’t say anything, he just moved towards her to give her a hug. Suddenly he felt cold and then peaceful. He looked down, Neena was gone. He too felt himself growing weary, finally his legs gave away.

Joined together in life as in death – thus reads the writing on the wall of a memorial that their friends and family have erected in their memory.

* * * * * *

“Okay, so you both died together? So what was the story? I thought you came here to confess and not to hide truth behind sad stories.”

“But the truth is so ugly.”

“How do you know that? Have you ever faced it?”

Silence.

“Not saying something will not make it go away, Neena.”

Silence.

Akshay sighed,” You killed him, didn’t you? You knew just where to put the small surgical knife. You were a medical student before marriage, right?”

Silence.

“C’mon Neena, you need to – “

“I had to.” Neena said quietly. “Remember I told you there were robberies and kidnapping going on in our neighbourhood and that one of Archit’s colleague’s 12-year old daughter, Karen, was abducted and was never seen again?”

“Yes, I remember.”

“Also, I said I was having him checked through a private eye?”

“Yes.”

“He found evidence against him, but he was not meeting women and having affairs with them. He was meeting small children in orphanages and hospitals. I thought my husband is so great and kind that he is volunteering.

“Then I found this photo of him meeting Karen the day she disappeared. He had said he was going away for business but he was meeting her, picking her from her school. I couldn’t believe it!! I started putting time of kidnappings and Archit’s business tours together...He used to be away during the same time some kidnapping use to take place. I also had a suspicion that his shady friends were in someway or the other involved in landing him this job. I remember him saying that the best man won. I really wondered...

“Then by sheer luck I found a disk in his briefcase, must have fallen out or something. Then I learned, he was not only raping these young children, he was also selling them to flesh traffickers. I was disgusted!!! But I could not go to the police. So I devised this plan. I told the private eye I was going to sleep with someone to get back at him. I knew his ego will bring him in the house. I then made sure I went to the hospital by sitting in the cold and taking something to make myself ill.

“After that, it was as you said...I then took the poison pill I had concealed in my wrist watch and waited for death. People thought we died with each other, u know by mutual consent, he gave me poison and I stabbed him, there were many speculations, some weird, some impossible," Neena said with a chuckle.

She continued, "I always thought I committed a double murder, maybe that’s why I just could not cross the threshold...”

“Or was it because you just could not face the truth?”

“That my husband was a paedophile and flesh trader?”

“That you took the easy way out.”

Silence.

“You said you wanted to spare your husband the persecution, the humiliation and the prison sentence that he would have received as the worst kind of criminal. But maybe you were sparing yourself all the pain? After all, you would have gone through all that too and you also would have been the one to rat on him. Maybe your guilt is not the double murder, but your dilemma whether you did the right thing? ”

Silence again.

“Neena, it now or never. Its time to let-go of your pseudo-righteousness, which you have held on to even in death.”

“You are right.” This time there was no hesitation. “I now understand. I also understand that you cannot drop a belief on your own. You have to SEE through it, and it will drop by itself. Thanks for helping me see.”

Silence.

But this time Akshay went out of the kitchen, for he knew, this was permanent.

Life is...

Akshay’s Diary May 10, 2005

Hi. I am Akshay. I was named Akshay because I was born on Akshay Tritiya, May 11. This year, too, once more Akshay Tritiya is on May 11. I have a feeling I have reached from where I started…

* * * *

“Good Morning, everyone.” This was the English teacher Miss Surekha.

“Good Morning, ma’m.” This was her 7^th grade class.

“So today everyone is ready for the quiz?”

“Yes, ma’m.”

“Noooooooooooooooooooo!”

“Take the test tomorrow!”

Numerous voices with different appeals floated in at once.

“What do you say, Akshay,” Miss Surekha asked, “Today or tomorrow?”

“As you wish, ma’m.” Akshay replied nonchalantly.

“Hm.” Miss Surekha seemed to contemplate. “Then today it is.”

She handed out the quiz to the students amongst the protests. It was multiple choice and presented a lot of opportunities to cheat.

“Akshay, what is the matter with you? Why are you not writing anything? Is anything wrong?”

“Maybe not, ma’m. But is everything alright?”

“What do you mean? Don’t talk in riddles. You are supposed to be one of the brightest students in the class, but that does not mean you can get away with disrespect.” Her voice had become stern.

“I mean that…that…” Akshay’s voice faltered.

Miss Surekha was suddenly aware of the discomfort in Akshay’s voice. She saw that his eyes had brightened and he was blinking back tears.

She softened.

“Tell me, what is bothering you? Is everything at home alright?”

“Of course, ma’m. Its just that…” He shifted his eyes to a far corner on the wall.

“Oh,” Was all Miss Surekha could say. “Come and see me after the class. You have the next lecture free, right?”

Akshay nodded.

“Good. We’ll talk about it then.” She then turned towards the rest of the class,“ Alright everyone, time’s up. Submit your quiz now.”

* * * *

“So Akshay, did you finally find out what exactly was bothering you?”

Akshay nodded.

Miss Surekha sighed. “How long have you suspected?”

“For over a year now, ma’m.”

“Hm-mm.”

“I see the shadows always, but…I…I don’t… ”

“Yes?”

“I don’t always see you.” Akshay exhaled.

“And that bothers you, right? Really, really, bothers you…I can see that.”

“Only because I can imagine how a great teacher and a nice person as yourself must have suffered. I wish I could do something. You have really taught us so much through your innovative ideas…”

Miss Surekha gave a shaky laugh. “Yes. Innovation.”

“…and you are so sensitive to our moods and feelings, just like a mother.”

“Sensitivity. Another crime.”

Seeing the quizzical expression on Akshay’s face, Miss Surekha laughed shakily again, and went on to explain, “After innovation, sensitivity is another crime that teachers should not commit.”

“I am not sure I understand.” Akshay asked in bewilderment.

“Sixty years ago, I used to the very same qualities while teaching a group of young boys from the same family. It was found unacceptable. I was accused of filling their heads with softness. I was called a bad teacher and thrown out of service. They also had the school fire me and sent word across all nearby schools that I was dangerous and incompetent. They were very wealthy and influential. Needless to say, I got rejected from everywhere.” She ended with a melancholic smile.

“But why did they take such a drastic step against a teacher?”

“I don’t know, and I don’t think I ever will. Maybe they just wanted to prove a point, maybe they did not want to be seen bested by a woman…”

“So did you not go back and confront them with the injustice they had done?” Akshay asked in a shocked voice as he found the whole thing quite incredulous.

“There was no time for all that. I just could not think straight. I could not take the humiliation, the rejection, the shame…Everyone calling me unbalanced some even going so far as saying I was a witch! I just could not believe that teaching small children to meditate, to imagine and to encourage them to be more sensitive towards those less privileged than them was such a criminal offense!” The last word carried a note of anguish.

“Wh-what happened?” Akshay could hear the foreboding in his own voice.

Miss Surekha continue in a far away voice, “I had to cross a railway line on my way home. I was so mad at everyone, including myself, my fate, my faith, my God... I just didn’t want to live anymore. At that moment, I wanted to die. Next thing I know, a big black monster is huffing and puffing towards me, and -” Silence reverberated all around. Akshay was stunned.

It seemed forever before Miss Surekha said, “You know, Akshay, I don’t even remember any pain. I got what I wished for, eh?”

“I am so, so sorry.” It summed everything Akshay was feeling.

“So am I. You know, I always think of it as a semi-suicide. ” Miss Surekha chuckled. “So you see, we must be careful about what we wish for, it just might come true.” She concluded dreamily.

“You came here to -”

“I came here to regain my pride. I was not able to cross the threshold knowing I had not believed in myself. I punished myself for a mistake I had not committed. I gave too easily, so I wanted a second chance.”

“If anyone ever deserved a second chance, it was you, ma’m. I am glad you did what you did. We all love you so much, for you have a difference in all out lives.”

“Then I must go.” She said quietly. “I think my time has come. I have been feeling it for some time.”

“Yes.”

And that was enough.

* * * *

Public record has it Miss Surekha Dixit received an urgent telegram to join her widowed, ailing sister in Malaysia. She was never seen again. People say that she stayed back to look after her sister’s daughter. It was just as well. After all, she had found peace.

* * * *

Akshay’s Diary May 11, 2005
9.30 p.m.

Miss Surekha left us today. I now know how anyone can be happy and sad together. Mixed emotions, it is called.

CRASH.

“What happened?”

“Something fell in the kitchen.”

“Damn the cat! If it were up to me, I’ll poison her.” Very eloquent is our Mr. Padmakar, Akshay’s father.

Soft laughter, followed by a swift command, “Go back to bed, Akshay, you got school tomorrow.” Epitome of duty – that’s Mrs. Swati Padmakar. After all, this is all that is required of her.

“Yes, Mom. I’ll just have a glass of water and then go.”

Akshay opened the refrigerator and there was water – all over him! It was raining in the kitchen!

“Hi there, little boy. I heard you met a ghost yesterday.”

“Who are you and where are you?” His voice came out calmer than he felt. “And how do you know about it?”

Giggle.

“So you are the cat, huh?” Akshay tried another approach.

“Sure. Where’s my poison?”

“What do you need poison for?”

Silence.

“C’mon. Tell me.”

[That’s another story. Stay tuned.]

Update: Sequel to this story - What is love?

Yippy New Year!

A new year has come... drum-rolls... cheers... thunder... claps...whistles... yoo-hoo!!!!

So what's new? Uh-oh! Was that too cynical a note? Well, it was not intentional, just an observation. What I mean is that isn't it possible it just MIGHT be another day? Sure its a holiday and all, with hangovers, sleep-ins, more parties, get-togethers and everything else that is now a trademark of this day of the year. I guess its just a way to disrupt monotony.

Anyways, all said and done, I am having a good New Year...so far :). Let's see what's in store...Wish everyone out the very best and may you be spared confusion and bestowed with clarity!!