I have been working on understanding my Self and my Purpose (if there is any!) for a long, long time now...it seems like forever. At times, I get a feeling that washes over me completely: I wake up from a deep sleep and it appears as if the life that I have lived so far has been a dream. I shake my head and get on with my life. Then the feeling just washes away... This I know to be a genuine feeling, there is no doubt, no intellectualisation, its just there.
But at times, I find myself in a trap of thinking incessantly - I start with something that is in front of me and then slowly I let my imagination and before I know I am weaving a complicated drama in my head. Sometimes, it involves people I know, sometimes I invent characters and at times previously invented characters come back for an encore. Now some may say I am just having fun, maybe I am creating a story or something. But I don't agree. When creating something, I feel energised, like I am feeling when I am writing this post. There is no fatigue, no stress. But when I performing my rather flimsy thought exercises, I am exhausted! So much of my energy is sucked into just thinking. Also, hardly ever any worthwhile story has come out of this kind of thinking.
Then why do I do it? I do it because I am addicted to it. I am addicted to the entire thinking process. I feel I will be lost without it. But deep down I know that if I am able to still my mind for even a few seconds, tremendous clarity arises. I am amazed that with so much clutter I am still able to see a few things. For this, I am truly grateful for the beings that be... All I can say is I plead my lack on knowing. I feel I am truly not even at the beginning - there's really miles to go before I sleep. Maybe I will find the discipline to start something proactively. Amen to that!
What about you? How do you satisfy the craving for drama in your life? By kicking up a fight with in-laws/spouse/children/friends? By watching soap operas? By over-eating? By throwing tantrums? By being jealous? If you say yes to any of these, you need to know this: your addiction to drama maybe adding inches to your waistline. Surprised, are we? Remember, drama sucks energy; which means your precious life energy is used up when you are burning with envy on your neighbour's new car. To replenish the drained life energy, you will need to eat more. But this void is not filled by food alone. You also need to nourish your soul's void. If you don't do this, you can eat and eat and eat and eat, and you will never be full. For those of you who are reading this and saying "I have never felt this void", ask yourselves - Have I ever eaten a bag of potato chips out of boredom? If the answer is yes, well, welcome to the club. :)
